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How to Write a Terrible Employment Ad: Keys to Attracting the Cream of the Crap

Posted November 6, 2014by Mike Schmidtmann

Many Continuum Partners have a problem. The MSP business is growing so fast, the industry is so dynamic, and the technology is so compelling, they are besieged by high-quality candidates and applicants who want to get in on the action.

These MSPs end up wasting valuable time screening, interviewing, and hiring talented people. Who has time for that? Nobody will ever get any administrative work done.

The world is loaded with losers, misfits, and retreads, and they can’t wait to start under-achieving. Here’s how you, as an MSP, can attract these lazy, unmotivated candidates to your company.

First, Make it All About You

Pound your chest like a gorilla as you mention every worthless award your company has ever won. Top 50 this and Hot 100 that.  

Toss in plenty of buzzwords and industry jargon. After all, you want salespeople and engineers who can shovel it just like you do. Set the bar high with phrases like this: “We objectively synthesize high-impact functionalities” and “we efficiently facilitate competitive ROI”.

Put Motherhood and Apple Pie in Your Ads

Point out your company has

  • the best products
  • the best service
  • the best value

Quality is Job One. Customer satisfaction is the name of the game. Your products are all leading edge.  You are the best company at being the best.  

Requirements, not Benefits

Stay clear of “landmine issues” such as

  • career path
  • training
  • personal development

Be sure to require advanced degrees and certifications, and use acronyms whenever possible.

Never let on what they’ll really get from your company - nothing.  Bupkes. Instead, use code words like this:  


How to Find Bad Salespeople

Big mouth know-it-all salespeople are especially easy to find, once you know how.  First, start by avoiding the “S” word in your job description. The word “Sales”  implies:

  • hard work
  • commitment
  • accountability

Who wants that? Use these euphemisms instead: “Business Developer,” “Customer Advocate” and “Capture Manager.”  

You can be as truthful in your job description as your candidates are on their resumes. State:

  • Your products sell themselves
  • Customers hand out dollar bills like drunken sailors
  • Your Salespeople get carpal tunnel syndrome writing orders

“Swivel Chair Salespeople” will be kicking down your door for a sweet deal like that. And don’t forget to mention free doughnuts in the break room.

Word your ads like this, and you will be buried with a mountain of rotten resumes. These masterpieces of misinformation will be packed with dubious achievements and fabricated, exaggerated and antiquated skills.  

Your eyes will glaze over with excitement as you try to decide which bottom-feeder to hire first.

Hiring the Cream of the Crap has never been so easy.  Embrace these ideas, and watch the magic unfold. 

For more lighthearted sales commentary, check out Mike's blog! Have a comment or question for the Chump Change author? Sound off below!

Are you avoiding these other managed IT services mistakes?


Mike Schmidtmann is a member of 4-Profit, an organization dedicated to education, growth and profitability of solution providers in information technology. With over 20 years of experience, Mike is veteran leader in sales management, helping both resellers and vendors improve margins and profitability by identifying what it takes to hire and retain the most talented sales staff. Mike is the author of the “Talent Rules” series, a complete guide for sourcing, screening and hiring productive sales individuals. He is also a frequent public speaker on business and management topics, and is past-president of the National Speakers Association DC Chapter.

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